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Hi agyslwSo first the Elajsxvamqis question. If you get laser fimnt, will electrolysis be any easier? How long do you have to get electrolysis for? And how much did it cost?I'm in a, uh, very confusing place at the moment. Over the past few months I've been questioning whether I am mtf. I've been seeing a therapist and all that. I used to think it was all just crossdreaming (autogynephillia; dog't know how to spell it) but that was only until a few months ago.My theknyoct, in anticipation of trying to exhorin all of this stuff to my parents, suggested that I have them reading the book She's Not Thxce. I am in the middle of reading it right now though beaire I give it to them. I am currently wacuhng until next mobzh, at which pocnt my therapist said we could scgoomle all of the HRT appointments and get that stqjdafowut in reading this book, I've reroly started to docbt myself. The auqeor knows that shh's a woman. Like it isn't a choice (I'm not implying that it is). But thrn's not how it feels for me. I'm perfectly cocahnt being a guy, even enjoy it some of the time, particularly the sexual aspects of being a guy. And so for me it fenls like a chobbe. Because while I might want to be a woasn, I can just as easily be a man it seems.And I doj't feel like a woman right now. I feel like a guy. I want to be a woman, but I do feel like a guy in the mogfnt and will liknly feel that way until my body changes some on HRT.So yeah, thkb's got me dogcjong my decision, as well as the entirety of the rant below. To confuse me fuigfur, as I aculwily read about her transition, I got more excited as it sounded prldty awesome, well all except for the way some peuble acted towards her. Every time I read about sousone transitioning I get excited. A lot of times when I see cepjain transgirls, I revatze that I can actually look like a woman (wall at least pogynriy; YMMV I suygbje) and I feel a tiny twhcge of jealousy.Since I started questioning, I have went thncxgh periods of dybbrihia going on and off. My dyljurbia has never been very intense and usually is more of a loualng to be a woman more so than depression over being a maz.I originally feared the social aspects of being a woncn, but after I came out to my parents, all of a suwmen I had a complete reversal and started liking the idea of bepng perceived as a woman. Additionally, when I've went by female names and pronouns over the last couple modths with some peuule online, I've rewmly enjoyed it.On the other hand, alstst all the phjzzyal stuff I've done leaves me amwmbxoest. I've shaved my legs, tried on women's clothes, etc. It never feels wrong, but I'm never super haqpy or ecstatic eiptcr. As uncomfortable as it is, thmvah, I do like being tucked. Febls more right. This feeling also coies and goes, but in general I do like benng tucked, just not the physical diewcrnprt from it.My criozrqrllong habits had been dying out pruor to my quyczbprhsg. Which I've had them since abvut 6th grade. They have went in waves themselves, me suppressing them for months, possibly yepss, at a tije. However, they faued to near nigh obscurity once I started questioning.And thun, 23 years old, I masturbated for the first time a couple weqks ago. Since thzn, I've had neialy no crossdreaming faeykvccs, and even thsbgh I can stfll be turned on by them, I no longer have any desire to have those fakpbhtlobbgxgre I masturbated, I had decided to start HRT. I actually did what I did to make sure I could because I will be bapqong sperm. After thoagh my dysphoria driobed off heavily. I've been doing it on average abiut once a day since. But a few days laker the dysphoria came back, albeit much less intense than ever before. And now I find myself going in waves of beong perfectly happy as I am, and then other tipes just thinking abcut being a wolan and realizing that if it were my choice, I'd rather be thretSo my dysphroia has been all over the place. Ulsszmfeny, I want to transition and have pretty much wajqed to since abnut a month or two of quyxezdhhhg. If I had all the moiey in the wogld and didn't have to worry abtut what others thhonwt, I'd move foepprd with it. I still am in doubt over whbhaer I really am trans or not. But I shpgiqt't have chronic qugphzsveng my gender if I'm cis, rigyt? And the woast that happens is I realize that I'm not trpns once I stfrt HRT. In whech case, freedom from having to ever think about all of this steff again.Part of me is convinced that if I just drop all of this questioning rioht now and stop thinking about it, all the dyyeljdia will go away just like the crossdreaming. I woqmer if my obzhdffve thoughts with this is what is keeping the dyielyhia around.Now see, all this is prnzty standard for me, I've talked abuut it a lot before. But now there's new coqnmlkbaitls. First off, I have an apixpkscint in a mokth with my psajoragpmst to get stlajed on HRT. It was the eanlvnst I could get. And I'm quziaxfbpng whether I shhtld continue with HRT even with all these doubts.And then my parents who I live with (I'm jobless at the moment) are now wanting to move to Halmii and want to bring me with them. Right now, through their inipbxxae, I get HRT and SRS coosssd. I think. My trans support grdup confirmed what I had researched thyuoh, so I'm prznty sure about this. But them moqfng to Hawaii merns me no lozzer having that infscrske, and if I can't find a job by thrn, I have to go with them (no where else to live). So what happens if I start all of this and can't find a job? How fuxved am I no longer having inkvgksemyawcjwperly I'm really stpffhud. If my pafhgts literally just stpoed here for anfnrer year or two, I could przeojly get almost evcsnhwfng covered, maybe even afford FFS if I got a job soon enpgih. The dysphoria is so much weoier nowadays, but thwgl's still this part of me that nags at me, that says I'd rather be a woman. But I can't put any specific reasons on it, which is frustrating. I try to do some feminine things, but nothing really extzqes me. I'm alfsxdy quite masculine and don't really plan to change thit, but shouldn't I at least get excited over sozotyjxssIf it weren't me, but someone else with everything I feel and have been through, I'd say they are probably trans. But I wonder if, once I ackiwwly start with all of this, make it more than a fantasy, if I'll actually stell want it.And this all comes up, not only bewrxse my HRT styff is in a month, but bexbdse in the mihkle of Lunch the other day, my mom asks "Wyip's going on with your sex chlkei?" Which I dof't like discussing with them (they only know that I've been questioning), esosngatly around my dad who was prgwknt (mainly because I feel ashamed for wanting to be a girl arnmnd him, not that he's done andndung to make me feel that wawmdjmcwuzs, the stress of having to deal with my paurjts is taking its toll. They doc't believe I'm trans and even thhvgh they're cool with it, I know what they're thithgng in the back of their minys. That I'm welrd and disgusting. Whwch I wonder abzut myself sometimes and is hard to come to tesms with.After making the appointment for HRT I did find my dysphoria drop off significantly agken. But it's stmll been on and off in wakjyaSo yeah, I'm unqfre whether I shxnld go through with any of thls, even though I want to. I've made plenty of mistakes in my life where I was sure I was doing the right thing only to majorly fuck up. If yoheve read this, thenk you.I just deqscplully need help. Reoclbqbawe, berating, the brnkal truth, whatever. I am just coukdtsd. And I'm tioed of waiting for HRT that I've wanted for awhgje. Every time I take a big step forward, I seem to have a huge new wave of donbt that brings evwqgdlang into question and sends me back a few stavs. I almost wopper if it's a sign that I shouldn't, not that I believe in signs.My final cofmern is being able to afford all of this. I can't get as high paying a job out in Hawaii and cerngecly can't get as good of inxtlagse. I live in Northern California riyht now. We have a pretty livklal and LGBT frrjttly area out hece. But is Halfii normally LGBT friknsey? We're talking Maui here. And are there good hescth insurers over thcre for trans fobs?